I Know Who You Are

Foreword: I supremely enjoyed this blog post, and I apologize that it is late. But, as I always say, quality over punctuality. This is why my GPA suffers.
So recently, I pimped my personal blog with Google Analytics, essentially an Internet homing device. It will tell me everything I could ever want to know about everyone [...]

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Something Unessential

The unessential thing I’ve been doing too much of lately is checking the lock on my door. Sometime last year I started doing this somewhat out of the blue. I guess all the stories about strangers staring over girls while they slept and thieves wandering through hallways at night finally got to me. Now I [...]

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Dude…I love you.

The one thing standing between happiness and me is my staunch, unwavering heterosexuality. Now, hold on, this isn’t an attempt to tout my own masculinity. No, in fact I resent whatever shreds of it I can’t effectively rid myself of.
The thing is, I just don’t understand women. And I’m incredibly intimidated by them too. You [...]

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wasting time

The unessential thing I’ve been doing too much of lately is without a doubt watching tv. Growing up, I was never allowed to watch more than Sesame Street in the morning, and even years later, after my mom went back to work and my sisters and I would turn on the tv immediately after school [...]

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The Unessential Thing in my Life

I am a man on the go.
Perhaps you’ve seen me on my bike? On my blue bike? On my blue women’s bike that could double as a prop for Ben Hur? If I’ve locked my bike accidentally on campus, maybe you’ve seen me heaving, struggling to jog to somewhere on [...]

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Jew, Jew, Jew, Jew, Jew

Here’s what’s standing between me and happiness.  Every week or so I get an e-mail from my mother, a forwarded e-mail with a link to a Jewish website, aish.com, and a special shoddily-written story about the Holocaust.  Like about Zvi Griner and his successful escape from Birkenau under a Polish pseudonym.  Or Ari Zilber, a [...]

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The unessential thing

The unessential thing I’ve been doing too much lately is helping a friend study for the LSAT.  No, I have no intention of taking the test myself.  I want her to score better because I want to change her bleak outlook on life, shaped by a guy who – after three years – never called [...]

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What I learned from TV

A lot of good things are based on lies. Religion. American politics.[i] Politics is just one big ass-blast.[ii] Everyone’s after easy money.[iii] I see what you’re doing. I read you. I watch movies.[iv] If tofu had a say in government Ralph Nader would have been president a long time ago.[v]

[i] Homer, The Simpsons

[ii] [...]

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Five Snippets

1. “WHERE THE CVS AT? WHERE THE CVS AT?!” – Some woman in front of a Walgreens on Michigan Avenue in downtown Chicago (aren’t CVS and Walgreens the same thing?)
2. “I neeeever cursed until like my sophomore year of high school. I’d always be like shoot, shoot, shoot, shootshootshoot and my friends would always be [...]

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Potent Quotables

1. “Why would I bring my own baggage to a luggage sale?” -My friend Joel in an improv scene explaining why he would go solo to a company holiday party.
2. “If you get drunk enough, you can do anything. You could fly to the moon and have sex with monkeys.” -My roommate [...]

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Said the little lamb to the shepherd boy

1. David: Jordan, I think your water is burning.
Jordan: I think that’s your egg David.
David: Hmmm.
2. “Whats that say? Alforno? I see a nice ass and a pair of tits.” –my boss to a co-worker.
3.”Robert, that’s a really cute puppy, but if it shits in the hall I swear to God i’m going to punt [...]

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overheard on crap tv

1. “How dare you take a dump at my house!” –Rob of “Rob and Big,” shouting at a guy who was about to take a dump in his pool (he had done it before).
2. “…You rebonded by putting his pants on.”–Comment from one of the hosts of “The Hills: Live Aftershow” to Whitney, from “The [...]

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Overheard

“You wanna take breathes where there are no breathes – you kill Poulenc.”
- a conductor to his choir
“I lost my solfege.”
- an Aural Skills student
“You are so cute and petite – your parents must love you.”
- a mom to her daughter’s roommate
“Megragarian must be part of the pair!”
“We must sound crazy to anybody listening.”
- people [...]

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listening

1. Well ya i puked everywhere but i didn’t puke everywhere. (at a party)
2. I do use soap, but just occasionally (a conversation about hygiene with friends)
3. mmmmm, me likey (a couple on a date)
4. I don’t need it as long as i got my dad gum cell phone bitch! (a man speaking to who seemed like [...]

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What I Heard

This assignment was hard.  I chose to record five overheard things, and I kept hearing conversations about math or biology midterms rather than anything good.  I also felt like a guilty snoop.  But here they are…
1.  
He told me my vagina was very big.
(a girl talking to another girl outside the opera building)
2.  
I [...]

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